I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
