I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
