How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
