I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
