...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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