Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
