what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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