Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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