All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
pop tarts are not kleenex
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
