She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
