I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
