Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
