his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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