Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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