don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
