I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
