i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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