My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
