I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
