Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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