tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
