Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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