Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
