as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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