i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
