im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
