take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I wish there were birth control emojis
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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