I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
