I need to stop coming to work sober
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
