This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
