my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
