The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
