I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
