finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
