i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
