I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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