You can't motorboat a personality
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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