Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
