My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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