You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
