shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
