But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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