I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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