I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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