I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
