Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
