there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
