I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
