I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
