I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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